See: Greek yogurt, Icelandic yogurt
Under this law: American yogurt brands will be wildlysuccessful in the near future.
Does the global economic decline insure better
yogurt production world wide? Was the debt ceiling crisis is a GOP plot backed by American or dare I say international yogurt barons?
Should I stick to complaining about dating
and stop trying to think about global economics?
This past Saturday I went to a Villains themed costume party. My friend and I went as Boris and Natasha of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame. She was Natasha, all sexy in a dress and I was Boris - with a drawn on mustache, a hat with my hair up and wrapped in a trench coat.
On any given Sunday I can’t even go to the laundromat without looking decent in case I run into my future boyfriend…that is the curse of watching too many romantic comedies. The curse of the Meet Cute. Going to Trader Joe’s? Look good because you and a cutie might reach for the last package of Chile Mango popsicles! Going to buy butter for a late night baking recipe? Wear make up anyway because there could be a devastatingly cute boy in the line at the bodega and you are in cat pajamas holding a box of butter at 10pm on a Friday (true story).
But ever since my awful “Lifetime Network date” I have sworn off dating for the month of August and (what has become even more difficult) to try to not even THINK about dating.
For this reason, dressing as a fat little man was freeing! I wasn’t bent out of shape about being a dude or being in the least sexy costume at the party. (There were fembots and sexy Cruella de Vils as far as the eye could see.) I kind of liked being all covered up and under my hat. I didn’t have to suck in my tummy for one thing. And it turns out that the water pistol was the surprise hero of the night, perfect to shoot annoying people. Especially the fembots and those who didn’t understand why it was hilarious that my other friend came dressed in a Phillies uniform.
And wouldn’t you gosh-darned know it? I was the only one out of my friends to be asked for her digits.
I definitely learned a classic lesson that night, one that I kind of already knew:
Guys are attracted to
confident, funny women cross-dressers.
Fashionable Anti-Semites in History: Noted fashion icon and Nazi-sympathizer Coco Chanel loved classic style, hated knee caps and also the damn Jews.
A recent book, “Sleeping with the Enemy” by Hal Vaughn delves deeper into this sweet little Jew hater’s history and struggles to learn more about her life and her actions during WWII.
Many people know that Coco shtuped a Nazi and used anti-semitic laws to take over a Jewish perfume company while the owners were murdered. But until recently, these actions were always explained away as those of a politically apathetic fashionista who probably didn’t understand the greater implications of what was going on.
Well with this new book Vaughn screams bullshit. Vaughn declares that Coco’s actions were not that of an ignorant designer, but those of a life-long anti-Semite.
I have to say I’m pretty bummed. I guess I’m naive but I kind of always hoped she didn’t really care about anything but money and fashion…which makes her gross but not evil. Knowing that she wittingly ran missions for the Nazis and wrote anti-Semitic remarks in business correspondence is lousy.
Now you know why I don’t own any Chanel…or drive a Mercedes.
Grilling a steak and flirting with a boy both take patience. Just because you get bored, want to speed things up, entertain yourself or poke and flip around a little STOP YOURSELF. You are going to ruin everything. Both steak and boys require self-control. Are you aware of it? How to grill a great steak and reel in boys:
A common problem I have after first meeting someone is wanting to talk to them all the time. Back in the day that meant phone calls, but these days it’s gchat or email. Maybe it speaks to the type of boys I date but usually they end up sending me a clever link or crazy article and before you know it there is a chain of emails back and forth for every hour in the day.
I have trouble being strategic with my flirting and I kinda just want to pokepokepoke for fun…to see what will happen.
But my dear readers, this is not the best way to flirt. It’s overwhelming and it can even be unwelcome. This inability to let hands-off in the beginning of a possible relationship is the same problem most people have while grilling a fat steak.
In general, people always stand over their grill like the Master of Ceremonies and flip that stake back and forth. But that is WRONG. To grill a good steak you must flip TWICE ONLY and leave it alone to rest for 10 minutes before you cut into it. But most people can’t just stand there with a pair of tongs and NOT FLIP THE STEAK BACK AND FORTH.
Most people can’t help themselves. And I am one of those people. God forbid I let a day go by without being oh so fucking charming.
Next time you are flirting with a lucky fella please exercise a little self-control. Just because you are cookin’ up something tasty doesn’t mean you have to be constantly fiddling. Let the meat rest! It will turn out for the best.
Last week I bought Lee Women’s Classic Fit Marilyn Jeans in black from Amazon. Who buys jeans online? Who buys their clothes on Amazon? Assholes like me, that’s who.
My laziness for shopping let me to purchase what Tina Fey would call “mom jeans” online without trying them on. What could go wrong?
I’ve been watching a lot of Ally Mcbeal on Netflix lately and the late-90’s fashions were starting to get to me. I had to have a pair of my own mom jeans! I just had to.
Upside: These suckers hold in your stomach, make you sit up straight and make your ass look adorable. They also tell you when you have something in your teeth. (One of those is a lie.)
Two coworkers have said I look thinner and one even said I look taller. All for $25! I do feel pretty sex-say.
Downside: It’s uncomfortable to have something pushing in my tummy all day (see: Pony Keg) and consequently I should tell you that these are NOT date pants. There are so many more markes on my tummy since these jeans go up past my belly button. It looks like I have the map to Dryland tattooed on my stomach. This part is not all that sexy.
Your Next Step: If you want to see if you would enjoy high waisted pants I suggest wrapping your mid-section in masking tape and seeing if that “does it” for you because that’s kind of what these pants feel like. In a good way.
Verdict: I actually really like these pants. They look good and will probably stop me from over eating while wearing them.
My manager at work teaches me a lot of things: how to make an editorial calendar, how to manipulate people with subliminal messages, how you can buy your own perforation tool to make any piece of paper perforated for easy tearing, and most recently how to give a quality high five. Are You Aware of It: How to Give a High Five!
Missing on a high five or giving a weak slap is embarrassing but easy to fix. Ready? Just look at the other person’s elbow. That’s all it takes! By looking at their elbow as they reach for the high five you guarantee that your hands will align which is all it takes for a quality Hi5! Congrats. That’s it.
“You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake!” Iris
In 2006’s great romantic comedy classic “The Holiday” staring Kate Winslet she learns that she has been treating herself like “the best friend” in the “movie of her own life”, and not the leading lady. It’s true, every girl should realize they are important, and they deserve happiness and a nice lover, that they are the leading lady in their own life! It’s a god damned lovely idea and one I have tried to remind myself on occasion of ever since I first saw this movie.
Unfortunately, the movie of my life is made-for-tv and on the Lifetime Network.
After consulting the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) aka, my favorite coffee table book, I have decided that the boy I have been seeing has Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe even something worse. I think I may be lucky that I’m typing this on computer and not writing it in my own blood from the inside of a canvas sack.
I can’t even go into the insanity of our very fast, overly dramatic and in hindsight RIDDLED with red flags courtship. Most of the good bits (aka the cray cray) only came out in the last 10 minutes. I think I should be glad that I was raised by a father that loved me and was wonderful because I know enough to not go crawling back. Despite the 10 text messages, 1 phone call and 1 email I have received this morning.
Aka: “The cycle most often continues as the individual will then try everything to get people back in his or her life and once again becomes clingy, needy, and helpless.”
I can’t lie that there isn’t a bit of a schauden freude moment going on. Here I am thinking I’m a little crazy because I veer towards the neurotic at times (/all the time) and then I come a cross straight up Señor Crazypants.
And you know what the worst part really is? It’s the calories I wasted on him. I ate a cheeseburger with bacon and egg with him at midnight last night because I thought I had found a potential boyfriend. What a dickhead. This is more offensive than lying about your hard core drug use and admitting that your main avocation has been “banging girls” (words that came out of his mouth).
Oy vey. Whatever, it’s worth it for the story.
It has come to my attention that everyone needs a personal mantra or a motto, something that would go on their coat of arms, their family crest. For this auspicious identifier I have chosen “be the beet”. To the right there is my coat of arms. Isn’t it lovely?
While my thoughts often veer towards the scatological, I did not come up with this myself. I learned this from Tom Robbins’ book Jitterbug Perfume:
“The lesson of the beet, then, is this: hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you’re brown, you’ll find that you’re blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means: Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone.”
Which basically hold on to yourself through life’s BS…the way beets hold on to their color until the end…you know, until they come out your end.
HOW WILL I BE THE BEET?
- I won’t beat(beet?) myself up for being awkward, or immature.
- I will not be ashamed to make a hand-puppet of my manager so that after her last day on September 2nd I will still be able to ask her for advice and hug her (photos to follow).
- Maybe I will even get a beet tattoo like this lady. So I can always remember to hold on to my rosy magic and BE THE BEET:
IN RELATED NEWS
I also needed a theme song, obviously, so I’ve chosen “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor.
Do you have a motto or theme song? It’s fun to be self involved. Try it!